How did you get Creampuff?

Our wedding is bringing a lot of people together who have never met. Which I guess is typical. We wanted to bring our wedding party together and have everyone meet and get to know each other. So we set a date in December, got as many people as we could - who were available that day, and had a fantastic eggs benedict brunch.

We had a few laughs, a fantastic brunch, and got a few ideas from each other. Everyone got along really well and that was amazing to see.

So incredibly heartwarming to bring pieces of your different lives together and see a fun and lovely group of people bonding together. It was really exquisite and we hope to do it again soon.

It is a bit hard to do things like that - to ask people to give up a precious Sunday to come for a day of planning our wedding - but everyone was so gracious and happy to be there - thank you all!

And then in January, we got to finally go to Winnipeg and spend some incredible time with CupcakenephewW and CupcakenephewB and my sister and brother-in-law. They are so far away, and when we have these get togethers, one of the toughest things for me is that Creampuff is away at university and my sister is too far away to share it with us. So these visits to Winnipeg are so incredibly precious and sweet.

And CupcakenephewB said something to us that is such a testament to my sister and such a testament to the new world. One day when we were swimming, CupcakenephewB said to me, Cupcake, if you and Twinkie aren't married yet, how did you get Creampuff?

So very sweet.

Yours in deep gratitude and appreciation and love

Cupcake

Wedding Week Extravaganza!!!

Wow. This week has been breathtaking. We knocked a ton of things off our list and organized so very much. Exhausting and also surprisingly fun.

Rooms are pre-booked at the Ramada, wedding party stuff is managed, we also BOOKED THE DJ!!! This shindig is actually going to happen this time.

Wanna know the menu?

Okay - here goes:

Veggie Roll
Spanokopita
Mac and Cheese Fritters

Greek Salad

Cheese Cannelloni with Garlic Bread

Gourmet Barbecue - choice of two meats (steak, chicken or salmon) or veggie :)

Roasted Potatoes, Grilled Veggies, Wild Rice

Dessert

Cupcakes

Late night pizza table!!!!!

Yee Haw!!!!

Yours in planning

Cupcake

Hanging on and Hanging In - 100 days to go!

I've heard people say that the most important thing you can do in life is to show up. If that is so, perhaps the second most important thing you can do is to hang on or hang in. I'm sure there are worse things than unemployment to try a relationship - I know that there are. But unemployment, for us, has taken a toll. And somehow, we have hung in and hung on.

I have a great contract now with a great group of people, most importantly D.W. - and I am grateful for the gift of his presence in my life. And I am grateful for the really interesting contract with interesting people doing a really interesting job.

Our last post was November 19th, just after my brother's wedding - which was really, really fun! In November, we also had a first meeting of most of our wedding party - which coincidentally grew in numbers after our meeting. We had a lovely eggs benedict brunch at #69. Venus and Knotty Girl were there, S.C. (who definitely needs a code name, suggestions welcome), Tiger, Cupcake, Twinkie, Twinkie's sister, and Mr. Filofax, our wedding Planner. It was a nice morning/afternoon with much laughter, many exchanges of numbers and some great connections. It really was great to bring everyone together.

Creampuff was still in school, so she missed the festivities.

We have lagged in our planning, but we still may be able to pull it all together!

We're getting married now at MCC Toronto - which will help people to not fall in the Koi pool during the wedding ceremony, and also will help people to stay dry in the event of rain (or snow) :). The reception is still at Fantasy Farms, despite the fact that the previously promised renovations have failed to materialize, so ... we will all be celebrating in the midst of Cinderella and various other stained glass fairy tale creatures.

We've just ordered our invitations and sent out address requests. Later today, we'll be sending out an email asking if people will want to book a hotel - so that we know how many rooms to book at the Ramada Inn.

There is a lot to do. We need to book our cottage in PEI for the duration and take some time off - and make sure that our guests get fed. The booze has been ordered and most people have set aside the date. So ... the celebration, despite lacking a few details, is set to go.

And we are hanging on. So much around us is changing, the economy is affecting so much and so many. Some of our dear friends have had horrible surprises in their life and become suddenly single - some of our dear friends have had great surprises in their life and become suddenly in love. The guest list we created when we first got together is quite different now than it was then. So strange when you start documenting change and flux.

And so much admiration and respect for people who have hung on and hung in and so much admiration and respect for people who have let go and moved on. There really are no guarantees nor any promises, nor much of a sure thing. Which is why we want to celebrate the fact that despite everything, we still are the best of friends, we still laugh our way through most days, and in the midst of it all, we still want to do it all together, hand in hand, heart in hand, holding our little family close and being grateful for all of it. **sigh**

Yours in gratitude,

Cupcake

Gratitude

My brother got married two weeks ago! His wedding date, November 5, 2011, is six months before ours. Wow. I can't believe it. Six months to go. His wedding was beautiful and so much fun. They both seem so happy and we are incredibly happy for them. Their wedding was so joyous and I saw so many lovely people from my past and met such wonderful new people. It was an incredibly beautiful wedding. It really is joyous to see two people in love celebrate their union.

When I was younger and engaged, people used to say to me things like "just you wait til you are married" and "the first year will be the hardest". And it was hard, and they were right. Kate's dad and I split up a few times in the first year, and then got together, had her, and split when she was 2. Ouch for her - and I will always be sorry that I didn't give her two loving parents living togehter.

And then there is today. Heather and I have had a tough year with a lot of loss. Not nearly as much loss as many, and I am grateful for that. I lost my job of 11 years, a year ago, and with it my comfortable income. Because of that, we lost our houses in Newfoundland. We lost the old car (although it has a fantastic new owner) and lost a lot of connections, friends, traditions, mostly through losing a job. For a while we lost confidence, hope, faith.

But, we didn't lose each other. Even when it was touch and go, and the stress was almost too much to bear, we didn't lose each other. Even when we couldn't see our family in Winnipeg because we couldn't afford the plane ticket. Even when the only way we could afford gas to get to Peterborough was money slipped secretly into a bag by my mother (thank you mom), we didn't lose each other. Even when the only thing we could hold onto was that if we could make it, if we held on to faith and love and hope, we would be married and could enjoy each other for the rest of our lives, we didn't lose each other. Thank you SC, so very much for that.

For us, this time, being able to celebrate our union during the toughest year of our lives made us look so much more forward to celebrating it with friends and family on May 5, 2012.

And something remarkable happened this year. Or maybe it was happening all along, and we didn't notice. Somewhere along with the late rent payments and calls from creditors, when we were counting pennies to get gas money, and living with old holey shoes and many other indignities, Twinkie, Creampuff and I became a real family.

The loving unit I was never able to provide her as a child, arose from the ashes of my financial security and embraced us all. Creampuff, Twinkie, Lucky and I are the breath of what I live and strive for, they are who I work for and who I laugh for, and sing and dance for. This is life, this is love, this is living. I found it in the ashes of what I thought was success. How thin a veil is a big paycheque.

Now I'm not knocking a big paycheque - I'm all for big paycheques. But with my big paycheque gone, I thought I would be devastated. And I was. And in that devastation, grew the richest life I have ever imagined, and in that life I learned the real value of connection. The real value of love and family. The real value of sticking together against all odds. And I am so incredibly grateful and blessed and honoured to have such a beautiful family and such incredible friends. Such incredible chosen family.

Today, Twinkie and I found out that we finally have something concrete for our wedding. Instead of being married on a patch of grass beside a koi pond, we decided to get married in a church, our church. Twinkie is an atheist and Creampuff hasn't had much churching (again sorry Creampuff) but this church is our church and it is aligned with our values and beliefs and it accepts all people in love and serves all. It is a house of prayer for all people.

At 4:30 on May 5, Twinkie and I will begin the ceremony of our marriage at MCC Toronto. And part of that ceremony will be a ceremony to acknowledge the bond that Twinkie, Creampuff and I have forged. I will always be sorry that I couldn't give her two loving parents living together when she was young. And I will always be grateful that I can give her two loving, real, flawed parents in love, now.

Because the difference between being here and not here, is simply staying. Holding tight, striving for kindness, love and laughter, and waiting for the storms to pass. In my 40's I have learned to trust that the storms usually pass, and when they do, how much fun is it to still be able to laugh with the person holding your hand. If you just simply stay, and love. Through the tears and arguments, through the times of tedium and times of uproar. Through being wrong and being right. When you aren't your best self and even when you are. Because in my experience, the pendulum will swing back to what is in your heart - and if that is love, joy will return. I can't believe that I have found the love of my life in my 40's, and I really can't believe that I considered turning this all away because of our age difference.

May 5, 2012, here we come tumbling. (and loop de looping)

Hallelujah.

October

Fall is in the air! All of a sudden the lights started going out earlier and earlier and now by 6:30 it is dark.

Since my September post, there has been some good news. Houses have been sold, houses have been purchased, deals have closed, lives can be rebuilt for some. Most of our friends now have jobs and paycheques, some have partners and the happiness they were craving. And we cannot be more grateful that all that has eased for our friends. For other of our friends, we must stay patient and hope that things will work out well soon. We have also just learned of friends on strike. As Rosanne Rosanna Danna used to say, it is always something.

I had a great interview in September, for a great job that would pay well. Haven't heard anything yet, but we will see. I also have - thanks again to wonderful friends - been referred to a few consulting gigs - one in particular that I absolutely love. So, despite being still technically unemployed, I am doing some things that I love, and can maybe refer other people to these jobs.

What a thing employment is. I used to bitch about my job and about having no time and being on call. I used to complain all the time about having no time. I had just started reading a book called something like "Why Am I so Busy All the Time", and then I wasn't. And then one day you land up on the outside, watching everyone else get their lunches and go off to work.

When I was really little, my older brother and I were inseparable. He started going to Kindergarten and I couldn't bear it when he left. So I would frequently sneak out follow him to school. This was back in the day of phone booths and we had one right outside the school. I would curl up in it until I was found or he finished school.

Not working is like that feeling.

We had a fantastic thanksgiving, and had Creampuff home for the weekend. It was beautiful weather and we even entertained a bit.

We even have started to think a bit about the wedding and starting to plan and dream a little.

But I must admit, November is looming. November 8th in particular - the date when it will be one full year since I have had a full-time job. Someone told me the other day that they really thought my little family and I had gotten through this admirably, and that is sweet and such a nice compliment.

And yet all the cogs of all the lives continue to turn and change and grow and you never really know what is around the corner. Maybe that is what is good about this anniversary date coming up - things are looking up - for us all!

And there is always the bite of a fresh juicy fall apple.

In reminiscence, gratitude, reflection and love

Cupcake

Perseverance

How do we all continue to do it? Wait for good news? Hope for the best? How do we all carry on?

Almost everyone Twinkie and I know right now is waiting for good news, waiting for a breakthrough, waiting for something great to happen so that the future they want will come to them. And almost everyone we know is staying hopeful, energized, positive!

Creampuff had terrible subtenants, and they left her room a shambles and full of insects, and the back deck and kitchen the same. There are still remnants of their drug use all over all the flat surfaces left in the house. But Creampuff went in, looked around, and said - well, I guess I won't be taking a lot of this crap with me to my next apartment and proceeded to cart it all to the side of the road. Now, that is easy to say at 22, but not so easy for the rest of us.

What crap do we take from the past to the future can be determined for us by our experience, but we do have control of how the crap affects us.

I have been dreaming about my previous job for months and months. In my dreams, I am always on the outskirts, outside the door marked "Employees Only", outside the party, not allowed in the front door. In my dreams I am always sad and straining.

Last night, I dreamed that there was a party for previous employees and I was invited. Not to be part of the party or an employee, but to be a guest. To see from a removed position how the company had carried on without me in it. Aside from the incident with the fellow who stole my purse and the time I spent tracking him down and claiming all my stuff back, I had a pretty good time at the party. In my dreams.

Maybe I am ready to move on - which is good because this has been a long haul. Like everyone we know, we wake up and carry on with only faith to guide us to our best lives with our best selves.

And all of our dreams should come true - we are all dreaming for better lives for our families, additions to our families, providing for our families.

And we persevere. And what is interesting to me is that we also laugh and love and live and sing and play while we wait and hope. And our friends have been so incredibly supportive. And the laughter has been so incredibly buoying. It has been the worst of times and the best of times, and sometimes there has been steak!!!!

I feel that some of my friends are in a similar place. We have all had to look around at the stuff we carry with us, and for a lot of it, just say - this is as far as this stuff comes. I move forward with very little, but with what I can afford, love, have, use, keep, enjoy. And with that little, I now build my future.

This week, after 200+ resumes, many many hours of job searches and referrals, I have my first interview. I wonder if people were surprised when I announced it to everyone that I had an interview. I am so relieved and surprised and happy and energized - this means that my past can be seen, I can be seen. And I will tell you that a few months of unemployment can make you feel pretty invisible and immaterial. That too is baggage I plan to leave behind.

The interview is next week and I have no idea how I am going to be the incredible grown-up I said I was in my application. I have no idea how I will sit in the room with the interviewers and retain my composure. Our wonderful friends have all offered to help prep me - I have received pages of notes and info already. There will have to be a lot of meditating, when I arrive two hours early and sit sweating in the reception room. But like my daughter in her room, like my dreams, like most of our friends, maybe I just enter that room after saying goodbye to the junk, the stuff of the past and hello to different and exciting possibilities. And a paycheque, oh how I have missed thee, paycheque.

Wish me luck, wish us all luck,

with love and gratitude

yours in perseverance

Cupcake

Friend or Fiancee

So ... here's the thing. Twinkie is not my friend - well, that isn't true. She is my friend, but she is also my fiancee. In my family, there are two fiancees named the same name as Twinkie. Since Fiancee #2 is heterosexual, she is referred to as the family member's fiancee. My Twinkie is Fiancee #1 and yet, my family continues to refer to her as my "friend".

How on earth do you deal with that. We've brought it up, we've spoken about it, we've educated, and still --- "Friend".

In my lifetime, our rights have come so far, yet have so far to go to equality.

Twinkie is not only my friend, she is my partner, the love of my life, my inspiration, my breath, my song and my love ... and my fiancee.

Every time I hear her referred to as my "friend" a new baby gay is born - that is how I can deal with it!

Yours in solidarity and engagement and bliss,

Cupcake