Last evening, I kept Twinkie awake by "encouraging" her to help me spend some time on our online wedding planning program (thank you Martha Stewart). We prepared and sent out our final few invites and recorded the latest responses that we have received.
We have 32 days to go til the big day, and only 50% of people have RSVP'd! Some of those are friends and we know they are coming - but we will still have to hound them to make that all-important decision - Fowl, Cow or Fish! Some people just haven't responded. Twinkie finds that surprising - but truth be told, I am usually the person who receives an invite, commits to it internally, then promptly loses the paper. I am always shocked when someone calls to invite me to an event that I clearly want to attend, and have already passively responded to, in my own mind, and yet they seem oblivious.
I don't know about most people, but I think long and hard about wedding gifts. I'm not wealthy, so I can't give people the things I want to give them, like a cottage, a plane, a pot-belly pig or a farm. So I try to think hard, and that is where I get into trouble. I'm much better and less creative when there is a registry.
Every time I leave my house with my clothes on and my hair dry and presentable, I thank the gods. It is a miracle. So leaving the house, clean and dry, with a wedding present in my arms, is an even bigger miracle. In fact, such a big miracle that it doesn't often happen.
For one wedding, I received a thank you card and the inside said "Thank you for attending our wedding". It was then I realized that the the wedding gift card with the wedding gift I had meant to mail was still sitting on the buffet at home. Oops. I'd like to say that this doesn't happen often. But I would be lying. Currently, upstairs, in a box, is the wedding present that just arrived for my brother and his wife. They were married four months ago. It is a pretty neat gift, but still ...
However, now we are on the other end of wedding gifts. It is an odd place to be. People keep asking us what we want and we just don't know what to say. But people want to give us something. People want us to know. People want a registry.
And it won't matter to us if someone forgets their card or gift at home. Won't matter to us if it comes four months later or not at all. Sweet, though, that people want to give us something to mark the start of our life together. So ... after the 6th person asked about a registry, we are going to set one up. Apparently, you get to use the scanning gun to do it. How tremendously exciting and cool. Deep breaths and gratitude and holy sh** in one month we will be married!!!!!!
With presents and presence and AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Yours in matrimony
Cupcake
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Also - Wedding Invite Oopsies
Now, I have been part of a lot of oopsies in my day. And I am not the most conservative thinker, in fact, some have called me eccentric. I have mostly lived my life thinking that if things aren't the way you'd like them - ask for them to be changed. Accept it if you get a "no", and accept graciously if you get a "yes". It takes a lot of guts for me to ask, but I have done it in many instances.
One in particular in which I have done it is weddings. When a relative was getting married a few years back, they had told me I could bring my girlfriend. They made a big to-do of talking about acceptance and equality and blahdiblah. I bought it hook, line and sinker - so when the wedding invite came - addressed to Cupcake and Creampuff, I thought there was a legitimate mistake. I called the relative and said there must be a mistake, this cannot be - my relative specifically invited my girlfriend. I was told, no mistake. The numbers are 100 and cannot possibly be 101.
It wasn't until I was told no, that I realized that this was homophobia. My relative's partner was not comfortable hosting the gays at the shindig. Shocking to me - and I'm sure to you as you read this, knowing how much fun the gays are. However, not for this person.
A few phone calls later, and my girlfriend, my sister, Creampuff and I were seated at the wedding. Around the corner behind a post, out of sight of the head table. It was quite a statement. We were included but included in a way that was out of sight.
Later that year, I received another wedding invite only to myself and I called and asked if I was supposed to bring someone or not supposed to bring someone. The entire guest list was 12 people. It was a big deal.
And here is the learning for me. My first wedding was a joint effort between my groom, my mother and the wedding planner. I did not pick a colour, a fabric, a dish, a hat. I didn't choose to have a say - I was not concerned with the details, nor the invitations, I just showed up. Spoiled, in retrospect - removed, in retrospect, but also - if I had been more involved, I might have truly realized the impact of the following lesson.
The names on the envelope are the names of the people we are able to invite.
Yes, one is welcome to call and inquire or clarify. And Yes, one is able to beg. But in the end result, the invitation is for the people on the envelope.
Now there is a gray area - I mean if people are dating, shouldn't you include their partner (we've done this) and if people are single, shouldn't you ask if they'd like to bring someone (we've done this). We have tried to include all the wonderful people we can.
And yet the demon guestlist looms.
We have had calls from people who assume they are bringing a +1, regardless of what it says on the envelope, and we've had to let them down. We have had many calls from men asking to bring their children. I am not talking about one or two calls, either. Well, three cheers to gender equality and hurrah for men caring about their children, but seriously????? What happened to the good old days when people wanted to have a drink, dance ridiculously and not have to answer to their children for it?
Now don't get me wrong, we absolutely love children. And if this was any other kind of party, we'd love to have them. And we are having some dear family children. But there are obstacles at the venue - like a deep pond with no fence. We have lovely Nedra and Dr. Professor and the Palindrome, whom we know and love and would love to have, and some other wonderful little people - but we also had to draw the line. Was it more important - to the spirit of the wedding - that we share our vows with adults or children - possibly a point to debate. And if we had some children, but not all - is that fair? Another point of debate. A rule became easier. Only the children we specifically invited and who are on the invitation.
One of the people who called said that it would be a good learning for the children. In the beginning of the planning, I wanted that for the guests - to see something different and expand their horizons and that was pretty important to me. As this path has gone forward, normalcy has taken over. This is an event for two people in love who want to spend their lives together. It isn't a gay wedding, it is a wedding. Not a spectacle. Although it will be to some who attend, this is no longer our focus. We are happy to broaden horizons, but much happier to be able to be married.
We crafted the guest list when we were together for three months and knew we wanted to marry each other and be together. We created it cozied up together and in joy and love. And we made choices about the people we want to come with us into the future. And we feel really guilty we can't include everyone we know, and we have met at least three marvellous people in the last little while who we'd love to have - but it turns out it is bad etiquette to bump someone already invited for someone you've just met.
I feel terrible and guilty fielding these calls. But it is part of the joy of doing it yourself. And part of being a grown up - choices, and disappointing with love and saying no. I'm sorry to all the children who can't be there, and I am so grateful for all the people who will give us their Saturday to share this day with us. And I'm so happy our dear family children will be there.
Yours in conflicted love and joy,
Cupcake
p.s. coming soon will be my wedding gift oopsies
One in particular in which I have done it is weddings. When a relative was getting married a few years back, they had told me I could bring my girlfriend. They made a big to-do of talking about acceptance and equality and blahdiblah. I bought it hook, line and sinker - so when the wedding invite came - addressed to Cupcake and Creampuff, I thought there was a legitimate mistake. I called the relative and said there must be a mistake, this cannot be - my relative specifically invited my girlfriend. I was told, no mistake. The numbers are 100 and cannot possibly be 101.
It wasn't until I was told no, that I realized that this was homophobia. My relative's partner was not comfortable hosting the gays at the shindig. Shocking to me - and I'm sure to you as you read this, knowing how much fun the gays are. However, not for this person.
A few phone calls later, and my girlfriend, my sister, Creampuff and I were seated at the wedding. Around the corner behind a post, out of sight of the head table. It was quite a statement. We were included but included in a way that was out of sight.
Later that year, I received another wedding invite only to myself and I called and asked if I was supposed to bring someone or not supposed to bring someone. The entire guest list was 12 people. It was a big deal.
And here is the learning for me. My first wedding was a joint effort between my groom, my mother and the wedding planner. I did not pick a colour, a fabric, a dish, a hat. I didn't choose to have a say - I was not concerned with the details, nor the invitations, I just showed up. Spoiled, in retrospect - removed, in retrospect, but also - if I had been more involved, I might have truly realized the impact of the following lesson.
The names on the envelope are the names of the people we are able to invite.
Yes, one is welcome to call and inquire or clarify. And Yes, one is able to beg. But in the end result, the invitation is for the people on the envelope.
Now there is a gray area - I mean if people are dating, shouldn't you include their partner (we've done this) and if people are single, shouldn't you ask if they'd like to bring someone (we've done this). We have tried to include all the wonderful people we can.
And yet the demon guestlist looms.
We have had calls from people who assume they are bringing a +1, regardless of what it says on the envelope, and we've had to let them down. We have had many calls from men asking to bring their children. I am not talking about one or two calls, either. Well, three cheers to gender equality and hurrah for men caring about their children, but seriously????? What happened to the good old days when people wanted to have a drink, dance ridiculously and not have to answer to their children for it?
Now don't get me wrong, we absolutely love children. And if this was any other kind of party, we'd love to have them. And we are having some dear family children. But there are obstacles at the venue - like a deep pond with no fence. We have lovely Nedra and Dr. Professor and the Palindrome, whom we know and love and would love to have, and some other wonderful little people - but we also had to draw the line. Was it more important - to the spirit of the wedding - that we share our vows with adults or children - possibly a point to debate. And if we had some children, but not all - is that fair? Another point of debate. A rule became easier. Only the children we specifically invited and who are on the invitation.
One of the people who called said that it would be a good learning for the children. In the beginning of the planning, I wanted that for the guests - to see something different and expand their horizons and that was pretty important to me. As this path has gone forward, normalcy has taken over. This is an event for two people in love who want to spend their lives together. It isn't a gay wedding, it is a wedding. Not a spectacle. Although it will be to some who attend, this is no longer our focus. We are happy to broaden horizons, but much happier to be able to be married.
We crafted the guest list when we were together for three months and knew we wanted to marry each other and be together. We created it cozied up together and in joy and love. And we made choices about the people we want to come with us into the future. And we feel really guilty we can't include everyone we know, and we have met at least three marvellous people in the last little while who we'd love to have - but it turns out it is bad etiquette to bump someone already invited for someone you've just met.
I feel terrible and guilty fielding these calls. But it is part of the joy of doing it yourself. And part of being a grown up - choices, and disappointing with love and saying no. I'm sorry to all the children who can't be there, and I am so grateful for all the people who will give us their Saturday to share this day with us. And I'm so happy our dear family children will be there.
Yours in conflicted love and joy,
Cupcake
p.s. coming soon will be my wedding gift oopsies
62 Days and Blowing
Woke up today to the wind whipping the house and blowing in the cracks of the windows - and I wondered what it would be like today in the little house in Cupids, Newfoundland. Days with wind like this happened all the time and the little house just stood proud at the top of the hill, withstanding the storms, as it had done for over 150 years. Except for the hurricane of 2010. In that hurricane, she lost some of her roof, and leaked a bit - but held tight and took good care of my stepbrother and stepsister.
Sadly, we sold the house in September, but I still visit it in my dreams and in my mind. We lived there beautifully - nothing extra, nothing fancy, just solid furnishings - but the house was really filled with laughter and love and friends. One of my dearest friends in the world, Rolypower, lived up the street with her family - and we spent many nights laughing and playing scattergories, and having dinners together. we spent many nights talking, talking, talking late into the night. We spent many nights laughing about the twists and turns that life had shown us. In those days, I was far more a part of that community than any other.
And it was a feast for the eyes - a wild, windy, unpredictable feast. Crazy water, hills, trees, blues, greens, browns, everything always moving, shifting - the weather a factor in everything - always present.
Last summer a renter saw two young moose walk right across the property. It seemed fitting that moose walked through the property as we gave it back to the family, as they had walked through the property the first day we owned it.
It breaks my heart, still, to have had to say goodbye to the house and Cupids. I'm glad the wind came here today to visit and reminisce. And I'm glad the house went back to the family - I didn't really ever own it anyway - it was always Muriel Dawe's house, and by some gift of the universe we all got to enjoy it for a few years.
With gratitude,
Cupcake
p.s. 62 days!!!
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