Glad No Matter What - Sark's new book

Glad No Matter What - Sark's new book

Have been reading Sark's (http://www.planetsark.com/) new book tonight, about navigating the feelings around losses in your life. I think every gift or change is both a loss and a gift. Have been thinking about this because of losing my job and how that loss has felt, and other losses this year.


Before Twinkie, I retreated a lot. From life, from events, from people. Lived alone when Creampuff was at school. Kept my schedule pretty open. Took my time, took time to myself. Which was very different than the way I had lived in my previous house. Our lives were filled with friends and parties and art and music and dinners and laughter and meals. Filled. Then we moved and it took a while to start filling my life with laughter and love again. Until Twinkie opened my life up like a Volcano, Tornado, Hurricane of love and joy and laughter and life and openness!


Twinkie and I are 18 years apart in age. Some people wonder about how that works and what we see in each other. When M.W. saw us together, he thought we were sisters. Probably a lie to save my vanity, but sweet.


There are people - monumental people in your life who change it in ways that are pivotal. T.S. was the first person who really believed in me and I loved him tremendously and still do and I cherish him and his input in my life. T.W. was also one of the greatest loves of my life, and his support and impact on my life is so great that he and I wear matching rings. Met F.P. in 1991 and that changed my life and we still meet and laugh and heal. T.P. is a great love of both mine and Creampuff's life and we have loved him for a long time and love his support. D.F. has been an ally and supportive and loving and family in all of my lives. B.W. is a new friend and wonderful. All of these beautiful men believed in me, believed in my writing and my art, more than I had ever believed in myself. All of these men shared great laughter, wit, music, art, poetry and sometimes dance clubs with me, and we had and have great joy together.


But I hadn't experienced that joy in my home life.


When I met Twinkie, in September, 2008, at choir, I was either on a break or coming off a break with a woman I had been dating. Twinkie was a lot of fun and soon I saw lots of people that I knew befriending her on facebook. I was intrigued. I didn't have any interest in her romantically - just wouldn't have considered it - because of the age difference. Was also fairly caught up in my own dating and when I got to know her a bit, she had a partner.


In December, I think, I made some overture by kicking her chair and making a joke of it. Soon after that we became facebook friends. I watched her with admiration as she and S.C. became good friends and I secretly giggled at their animated conversations. In the winter, we had a few conversations - I was trying to encourage her to carefully consider her life decisions and to know she had choices. In March she sent me an email letting me know that she thought I looked nice that night at choir. I was struck by that. We spoke more.


In April of that year, I went on a retreat - kind of an Outward Bound thing. We had to climb a telephone pole and walk across a wire 40 feet in the air, hanging forward at a 45 degree angle. Taking that plunge and risking wholeheartedly that either the people holding the ropes will keep you safe, or you will plunge and committing body, mind and soul to walking across that wire, fully present, was really pivotal for me. I thought afterwards, if I could shift and be present and unafraid in a pretty scary and unusual situation - could I maybe risk other things?

That spring, Twinkie and I grew closer. Determined to be just friends, we still spent hours and hours talking and laughing. Building a foundation. In June of that year, at our concert, Twinkie hugged me, and I felt her arms around me for weeks afterwards. Magical, mystical, Sweet, Terrifying. In a few weeks, the world shook us like dice in a cup and both of our worlds were turned upside down. But we still had each other.
By August of that year, we were living together. Not something either of us had done so quickly before, and not something either of us wanted to avoid, we chose to rush into things, wholly. Took a long time for people to get used to us - everything was so fast. But we never looked back. It is late and I couldn't do the rest of the progression justice, but suffice it to say, that had I not found my courage walking across that wire, I might not have had the open heart and courage to embrace what felt like it would be such an incredible love.


And it has been. My life, which had been telescoping into my daughter, my dog, my job, my family, my house, chores, friends, exploded when Twinkie and I fell in love. I came alive again and found out what it meant to truly create a union with another soul in love and joy. We agreed when we got together to be truthful and honourable and that is the greatest gift and so painful, but so worth it. Our lives expanded and we have wonderful friends and chosen family and laughter and joy and sorrow and support. And we both have someone who loves us completely.


What I get from Twinkie is such a miracle to me. She is an incredible woman who has triumphed over all of the challenges in her life, to become who she is today. She taught me how to open my life up again to possibilities. She taught me to say yes. She asked me why. And why not. And what for. She taught me how to really, heartily, belly laugh out the pain and sadness and we practice this daily. She reminded me to value myself, reminded me who I am, how I am in the world. She has taught me integrity - she will lie to no one and she will lie for no one. She will not lie for me. Unpleasant when I am cooking. But I am so grateful for her.


Twinkie has taught me how to open up my scarred heart and trust and love wholly, and has returned my love and trust and heart, wholly. I have waited my whole life for a partner like this - someone I wake up with every day in gratitude. I am so proud of the life we have created - so proud of how we have supported Creampuff together and each of us alone, how she calls us her parents. So proud of our community, our friends, our family, our chosen family. Personally, I am so proud and grateful to experience this much resonating love. I am surrounded.



Which is why, I think, that I haven't "taken to my bed" after this career blow. I'm not unaffected, at all. I'm definitely affected, but I'm also okay. It is sad, heart-wrenching, painful, disturbing, terrifying, but so far, I'm okay. I haven't retreated, didn't go catatonic. Didn't start smoking again. And I think that is because of the way I now live - present in my full life, not just present in myself. And because of the unbelievable gift of being loved and enjoyed, wholly and unconditionally. By Twinkie, by Creampuff, by my friends, by my family, by my chosen family.

Not entirely sure how this new career path will progress, but I'm staying awake and alive in it. And I'm remembering, laughingly, with Twinkie, daily that I do not have a job. I'm remembering to be exactly where I am - and remarkably my dark circles under my eyes are forgetting where they used to be.

Glad no matter what. Beautiful aspiration. Not entirely there yet. But I'm glad I didn't retreat, glad I didn't give up joy because of a career blow.

Yours in Unemployment
Cupcake 11/28/10 by Cupcake Delete

Help is on the way!

So, we've been a little distracted, with me losing my job. Haven't exactly been keeping up with Martha Stewart's deadlines. At all. We think that help is on the way! On Sat. night, we were talking with C.O. - one of our favourite people who also is enrolled in Chef School at George Brown. Twinkie had been suggesting that we ask him to help and I was reluctant - he is our step-phew and I thought he should enjoy the night, instead of work the night. But he was totally into the wedding and the venue and he is super organized. He wants to help and we want to hire him. So ... we could get back on track sooner than we thought. HURRAY. Will keep you posted !

Making a sign that reads "Just Fired" and hanging it with tin cans on the back of the car!

Wow. What a wrench in the works. Got fired last week. Escorted off the premises. Not exactly a wedding-y event, nor particularly romantic. There wasn't a lace wrapped piece of cake to be found anywhere.

Went into the office on Monday, having a good idea that I would be fired. On the way in to work, as I shook in the car, I thought of all the love in my life, all the people who support me, all the ways I am connected in beautiful community. And in my mind, as I got out of the car, I got tremendous strength by linking arms with all the beautiful strong people I know, starting with Twinkie on one side and Creampuff on the other, building and building a long arm-linked chain, and with the strength of everyone, I faced being fired. I thank you all.

Yikes. Once you start recording bits and pieces of a year, you realize all the things that happen over the course of a year. And for me, getting fired is one of them.

Today, when I was driving home from my lunch date with T.S., I saw a car and thought about those tin cans behind a newlywed's car, and wondered if it would be appropriate to decorate my car to celebrate just being fired. Obviously not.

Twinkie's papa is also very sick in hospital. We hope he gets much better soon. We invited him to the wedding while we were in the hospital.

Twinkie has been my rock for the last week and a bit during this ... change in circumstance. Can't imagine what it would be like to go through this riding my own crazy without a referee. Universe willing, this will all get settled this week.

Then, I'll get a new job and we will continue planning!

Must check in with Martha and see how many deadlines we have missed!

Yours in matrimony,

Cupcake

Decisions!!!

229 days! And we are still waffling on the type of dinner, guest list, etc. etc. We'd change the venue too if we didn't have the magnets printed up. Holy Moly. The thing is - we want our friends and family to be there for a dinner, a party, a memory and at the end, all our incredible marvellously talented musicians to gather and play music. We aren't committed to a served meal, but we couldn't figure out what we might like. Last night, on the way home from S.L-W and D.'s house, we think we may have made a decision - note the certainty. We think that we will have a buffet - barbecued shish kebabs, fresh salads, scallopped potatoes, yummy stuff for the vegetarians, etc. That will involve people lining up and possibly spilling, but we think it will be wonderful. We should also check in with the owner of the venue and see if she might be ready for us to sign a contract ... Halloween tonight. I was a nurse at work, but a humbug at home and turned the lights off and blocked the stairs. Turns out Twinkie is a Halloween nut and I looked at her facebook pictures from back in the day pre-Cupcake and she sure is/was a Halloween nut. So next year, no blocking the stairs - I will dress up like a drag king and decorate. And I will be happy doing it. Have to go to the Martha Stewart site we signed up for and figure out how incredibly deliquent we truly are at planning the shindig. But one thing remains, every single day I am so grateful to be so blessed with a love like the one I share with Twinkie. Shishkebabs or hotdogs, I am the luckiest woman in the world to hold her hand and heart. Happy Halloween.

Cupcake, Twinkie and Creampuff were looking at wedding dresses ...

Countdown

244 days, 23 hrs, 13 min, 24 sec

Thanksgiving - How does it all co-exist?

A week ago, we lost a dear beloved friend. She was a friend, a loving partner, a role model, a sister, a matriarch, a pillar, a daughter, a fighter, a virago in the archaic beautiful meaning of strong warrior woman. We would have been so proud to have her at the wedding. Her spirit will be there.

Many of the choir members were together when we heard the news - we were together on Toronto Island for a retreat. It was heartwarming to have each other to hold and cry with. So sad. And also so wonderful to be there together.
And I am so grateful to have known her.

And I am so conflicted - the mourning must minimize and life must go on. We have to continue planning life, things must go on and I'm astonished.

How does it all keep going on when something monumental has occurred? They say life is for the living - but in a way, we are now living for and with you, too Paula. So we dry our tears and get up and move on. With those we love and who have passed held dearly in our hearts and spirits.

And we celebrate you, Paula. Last year when a woman I barely knew died, and when Brent at MCC talked about honouring our body in our actions, I knew it was time to honour my life and those I love by quitting smoking. Now I look at my actions and my life and I think - I bet Paula would have given everything for another day, week, month, year with Judith. And we would all have given so much for more time with them both. So i'm trying to really be present and live my time and love my best and be my best self - make and keep time for the people I love - the things I love.

And that includes getting back to planning our celebration, with sad, full hearts. With Paula in our sad, full hearts. If only Twinkie and I can have as much love in our life together as Paula and Judith did and do.

I will remind Twinkie of this the next time we disagree ;). And I will remind myself.

Afterwards, Twinkie and I talked and thought about the choir and how much it means to us and has meant to us, and we thought about the wedding. We can't possibly have all the people we want to be at the wedding, there. We just can't afford it. But we were thinking - and maybe this would be selfish or yucky, but we were thinking that we could have a party in the spring, on Ward's Island, for the choir people - no presents, (unless people want, some people are really committed), but just a celebration of the choir and our connection to it ....

We are so blessed to be alive and be connected and to freely live each day. I am so grateful. So grateful. Happy Thanksgiving to all of us.