Now, I have been part of a lot of oopsies in my day. And I am not the most conservative thinker, in fact, some have called me eccentric. I have mostly lived my life thinking that if things aren't the way you'd like them - ask for them to be changed. Accept it if you get a "no", and accept graciously if you get a "yes". It takes a lot of guts for me to ask, but I have done it in many instances.
One in particular in which I have done it is weddings. When a relative was getting married a few years back, they had told me I could bring my girlfriend. They made a big to-do of talking about acceptance and equality and blahdiblah. I bought it hook, line and sinker - so when the wedding invite came - addressed to Cupcake and Creampuff, I thought there was a legitimate mistake. I called the relative and said there must be a mistake, this cannot be - my relative specifically invited my girlfriend. I was told, no mistake. The numbers are 100 and cannot possibly be 101.
It wasn't until I was told no, that I realized that this was homophobia. My relative's partner was not comfortable hosting the gays at the shindig. Shocking to me - and I'm sure to you as you read this, knowing how much fun the gays are. However, not for this person.
A few phone calls later, and my girlfriend, my sister, Creampuff and I were seated at the wedding. Around the corner behind a post, out of sight of the head table. It was quite a statement. We were included but included in a way that was out of sight.
Later that year, I received another wedding invite only to myself and I called and asked if I was supposed to bring someone or not supposed to bring someone. The entire guest list was 12 people. It was a big deal.
And here is the learning for me. My first wedding was a joint effort between my groom, my mother and the wedding planner. I did not pick a colour, a fabric, a dish, a hat. I didn't choose to have a say - I was not concerned with the details, nor the invitations, I just showed up. Spoiled, in retrospect - removed, in retrospect, but also - if I had been more involved, I might have truly realized the impact of the following lesson.
The names on the envelope are the names of the people we are able to invite.
Yes, one is welcome to call and inquire or clarify. And Yes, one is able to beg. But in the end result, the invitation is for the people on the envelope.
Now there is a gray area - I mean if people are dating, shouldn't you include their partner (we've done this) and if people are single, shouldn't you ask if they'd like to bring someone (we've done this). We have tried to include all the wonderful people we can.
And yet the demon guestlist looms.
We have had calls from people who assume they are bringing a +1, regardless of what it says on the envelope, and we've had to let them down. We have had many calls from men asking to bring their children. I am not talking about one or two calls, either. Well, three cheers to gender equality and hurrah for men caring about their children, but seriously????? What happened to the good old days when people wanted to have a drink, dance ridiculously and not have to answer to their children for it?
Now don't get me wrong, we absolutely love children. And if this was any other kind of party, we'd love to have them. And we are having some dear family children. But there are obstacles at the venue - like a deep pond with no fence. We have lovely Nedra and Dr. Professor and the Palindrome, whom we know and love and would love to have, and some other wonderful little people - but we also had to draw the line. Was it more important - to the spirit of the wedding - that we share our vows with adults or children - possibly a point to debate. And if we had some children, but not all - is that fair? Another point of debate. A rule became easier. Only the children we specifically invited and who are on the invitation.
One of the people who called said that it would be a good learning for the children. In the beginning of the planning, I wanted that for the guests - to see something different and expand their horizons and that was pretty important to me. As this path has gone forward, normalcy has taken over. This is an event for two people in love who want to spend their lives together. It isn't a gay wedding, it is a wedding. Not a spectacle. Although it will be to some who attend, this is no longer our focus. We are happy to broaden horizons, but much happier to be able to be married.
We crafted the guest list when we were together for three months and knew we wanted to marry each other and be together. We created it cozied up together and in joy and love. And we made choices about the people we want to come with us into the future. And we feel really guilty we can't include everyone we know, and we have met at least three marvellous people in the last little while who we'd love to have - but it turns out it is bad etiquette to bump someone already invited for someone you've just met.
I feel terrible and guilty fielding these calls. But it is part of the joy of doing it yourself. And part of being a grown up - choices, and disappointing with love and saying no. I'm sorry to all the children who can't be there, and I am so grateful for all the people who will give us their Saturday to share this day with us. And I'm so happy our dear family children will be there.
Yours in conflicted love and joy,
Cupcake
p.s. coming soon will be my wedding gift oopsies
One in particular in which I have done it is weddings. When a relative was getting married a few years back, they had told me I could bring my girlfriend. They made a big to-do of talking about acceptance and equality and blahdiblah. I bought it hook, line and sinker - so when the wedding invite came - addressed to Cupcake and Creampuff, I thought there was a legitimate mistake. I called the relative and said there must be a mistake, this cannot be - my relative specifically invited my girlfriend. I was told, no mistake. The numbers are 100 and cannot possibly be 101.
It wasn't until I was told no, that I realized that this was homophobia. My relative's partner was not comfortable hosting the gays at the shindig. Shocking to me - and I'm sure to you as you read this, knowing how much fun the gays are. However, not for this person.
A few phone calls later, and my girlfriend, my sister, Creampuff and I were seated at the wedding. Around the corner behind a post, out of sight of the head table. It was quite a statement. We were included but included in a way that was out of sight.
Later that year, I received another wedding invite only to myself and I called and asked if I was supposed to bring someone or not supposed to bring someone. The entire guest list was 12 people. It was a big deal.
And here is the learning for me. My first wedding was a joint effort between my groom, my mother and the wedding planner. I did not pick a colour, a fabric, a dish, a hat. I didn't choose to have a say - I was not concerned with the details, nor the invitations, I just showed up. Spoiled, in retrospect - removed, in retrospect, but also - if I had been more involved, I might have truly realized the impact of the following lesson.
The names on the envelope are the names of the people we are able to invite.
Yes, one is welcome to call and inquire or clarify. And Yes, one is able to beg. But in the end result, the invitation is for the people on the envelope.
Now there is a gray area - I mean if people are dating, shouldn't you include their partner (we've done this) and if people are single, shouldn't you ask if they'd like to bring someone (we've done this). We have tried to include all the wonderful people we can.
And yet the demon guestlist looms.
We have had calls from people who assume they are bringing a +1, regardless of what it says on the envelope, and we've had to let them down. We have had many calls from men asking to bring their children. I am not talking about one or two calls, either. Well, three cheers to gender equality and hurrah for men caring about their children, but seriously????? What happened to the good old days when people wanted to have a drink, dance ridiculously and not have to answer to their children for it?
Now don't get me wrong, we absolutely love children. And if this was any other kind of party, we'd love to have them. And we are having some dear family children. But there are obstacles at the venue - like a deep pond with no fence. We have lovely Nedra and Dr. Professor and the Palindrome, whom we know and love and would love to have, and some other wonderful little people - but we also had to draw the line. Was it more important - to the spirit of the wedding - that we share our vows with adults or children - possibly a point to debate. And if we had some children, but not all - is that fair? Another point of debate. A rule became easier. Only the children we specifically invited and who are on the invitation.
One of the people who called said that it would be a good learning for the children. In the beginning of the planning, I wanted that for the guests - to see something different and expand their horizons and that was pretty important to me. As this path has gone forward, normalcy has taken over. This is an event for two people in love who want to spend their lives together. It isn't a gay wedding, it is a wedding. Not a spectacle. Although it will be to some who attend, this is no longer our focus. We are happy to broaden horizons, but much happier to be able to be married.
We crafted the guest list when we were together for three months and knew we wanted to marry each other and be together. We created it cozied up together and in joy and love. And we made choices about the people we want to come with us into the future. And we feel really guilty we can't include everyone we know, and we have met at least three marvellous people in the last little while who we'd love to have - but it turns out it is bad etiquette to bump someone already invited for someone you've just met.
I feel terrible and guilty fielding these calls. But it is part of the joy of doing it yourself. And part of being a grown up - choices, and disappointing with love and saying no. I'm sorry to all the children who can't be there, and I am so grateful for all the people who will give us their Saturday to share this day with us. And I'm so happy our dear family children will be there.
Yours in conflicted love and joy,
Cupcake
p.s. coming soon will be my wedding gift oopsies
I love how you wrote this, your perspective and wisdom. I'm so pleased to be part of this event. :)
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