Gratitude

My brother got married two weeks ago! His wedding date, November 5, 2011, is six months before ours. Wow. I can't believe it. Six months to go. His wedding was beautiful and so much fun. They both seem so happy and we are incredibly happy for them. Their wedding was so joyous and I saw so many lovely people from my past and met such wonderful new people. It was an incredibly beautiful wedding. It really is joyous to see two people in love celebrate their union.

When I was younger and engaged, people used to say to me things like "just you wait til you are married" and "the first year will be the hardest". And it was hard, and they were right. Kate's dad and I split up a few times in the first year, and then got together, had her, and split when she was 2. Ouch for her - and I will always be sorry that I didn't give her two loving parents living togehter.

And then there is today. Heather and I have had a tough year with a lot of loss. Not nearly as much loss as many, and I am grateful for that. I lost my job of 11 years, a year ago, and with it my comfortable income. Because of that, we lost our houses in Newfoundland. We lost the old car (although it has a fantastic new owner) and lost a lot of connections, friends, traditions, mostly through losing a job. For a while we lost confidence, hope, faith.

But, we didn't lose each other. Even when it was touch and go, and the stress was almost too much to bear, we didn't lose each other. Even when we couldn't see our family in Winnipeg because we couldn't afford the plane ticket. Even when the only way we could afford gas to get to Peterborough was money slipped secretly into a bag by my mother (thank you mom), we didn't lose each other. Even when the only thing we could hold onto was that if we could make it, if we held on to faith and love and hope, we would be married and could enjoy each other for the rest of our lives, we didn't lose each other. Thank you SC, so very much for that.

For us, this time, being able to celebrate our union during the toughest year of our lives made us look so much more forward to celebrating it with friends and family on May 5, 2012.

And something remarkable happened this year. Or maybe it was happening all along, and we didn't notice. Somewhere along with the late rent payments and calls from creditors, when we were counting pennies to get gas money, and living with old holey shoes and many other indignities, Twinkie, Creampuff and I became a real family.

The loving unit I was never able to provide her as a child, arose from the ashes of my financial security and embraced us all. Creampuff, Twinkie, Lucky and I are the breath of what I live and strive for, they are who I work for and who I laugh for, and sing and dance for. This is life, this is love, this is living. I found it in the ashes of what I thought was success. How thin a veil is a big paycheque.

Now I'm not knocking a big paycheque - I'm all for big paycheques. But with my big paycheque gone, I thought I would be devastated. And I was. And in that devastation, grew the richest life I have ever imagined, and in that life I learned the real value of connection. The real value of love and family. The real value of sticking together against all odds. And I am so incredibly grateful and blessed and honoured to have such a beautiful family and such incredible friends. Such incredible chosen family.

Today, Twinkie and I found out that we finally have something concrete for our wedding. Instead of being married on a patch of grass beside a koi pond, we decided to get married in a church, our church. Twinkie is an atheist and Creampuff hasn't had much churching (again sorry Creampuff) but this church is our church and it is aligned with our values and beliefs and it accepts all people in love and serves all. It is a house of prayer for all people.

At 4:30 on May 5, Twinkie and I will begin the ceremony of our marriage at MCC Toronto. And part of that ceremony will be a ceremony to acknowledge the bond that Twinkie, Creampuff and I have forged. I will always be sorry that I couldn't give her two loving parents living together when she was young. And I will always be grateful that I can give her two loving, real, flawed parents in love, now.

Because the difference between being here and not here, is simply staying. Holding tight, striving for kindness, love and laughter, and waiting for the storms to pass. In my 40's I have learned to trust that the storms usually pass, and when they do, how much fun is it to still be able to laugh with the person holding your hand. If you just simply stay, and love. Through the tears and arguments, through the times of tedium and times of uproar. Through being wrong and being right. When you aren't your best self and even when you are. Because in my experience, the pendulum will swing back to what is in your heart - and if that is love, joy will return. I can't believe that I have found the love of my life in my 40's, and I really can't believe that I considered turning this all away because of our age difference.

May 5, 2012, here we come tumbling. (and loop de looping)

Hallelujah.