Nothing says I love you more than a frank discussion about the wedding guest list. Having your beloved confront you with the brutal reality that your dentist, although a vital part of your oral health, does not merit a place at the family wedding table, despite his prowess with a drill - is not exactly flowers and candle worthy. Or is it.
This shit is hard. And I am grateful for all of it. Will probably have to change dentists.
Yours in harmony and matrimony
Cupcake
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Our wedding and the real one.
Wedding planning is strange and wonderful, and the ways that people react to weddings are strange and wonderful. The way that people react to gay weddings can be really different. Even people who would swear up and down that they aren't homophobic and swear up and down that they believe in equality. They can be the people who think that gay marriage is quaint or something that should be done in the store window of the Bay at Christmas, by perfectly dressed mannequins, or at Wonderland in a booth, with a painted face.
Fair enough. But what is equality if it isn't really equal. If straight marriage is celebrated with tradition and gay marriage is celebrated with binoculars and a telephoto lens, what does that mean? Can you be a spectacle and also just yourself, in love and celebration.
The reason this all comes up for me is that there is another person biologically close to me that is also getting married. Doing it traditionally, with both sexes represented. And in my biological pool, there are key people who are reacting really differently to each scenario.
And it really surprises me. I don't know why - maybe because Twinkie and I are just so grateful and happy and can't believe our luck - we can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to come and eat a meal and toast our happiness. Celebrate.
I am working to be okay with that. ALL the people who love us and are friends and family - whether blood family or chosen, support us and want to celebrate, or pretend to :). Yet there are some who claim to support and yet refuse to acknowledge.
Maybe it is different because it means so much to me now, for my second wedding, and there are some close blood relatives who really would prefer not to discuss it. So, in reaction to that, I must say, I get gayer. Yes, gayer - the last time this happened was two days ago. When one of our beautiful supporters lauded us and celebrated us, a close relative poohh-poohed the celebration and said, there are a lot of things happening next year. I felt like I had been slapped, so I got gayer and gave Twinkie a big smooch. In front of a lot of people who could donate a kidney to me. At a dinner table. At someone else's birthday party. And in front of a ton of people who will be going to both weddings next year - ours and the real one.
Twinkie and I are so incredibly blessed with beautiful friends and family and chosen family - when these things happen it just makes you realize and be even more grateful for the world we have fought to live in and the freedom we have to marry - even if the climate in which to marry isn't yet perfect, we are all carving out the traditions.
I used to tell people that if I ever considered marrying again, I would do it in full drag style, with drag queens as bride's maids and just really pull all the stereotypes. So I guess I grew away from that. Such a journey, this wedding year.
Each day and revelation and coming out as an engaged lesbian brings up people's thoughts and views and prejudices and also inexperience for the most part. In fairness, many of the people who are coming to our shindig have never been to a gay wedding, and in our spirit of living openly, we chose to make sure to have as many as we could invite to expand people's ideas of normal - not that Twinkie and I fall into the category of normal :), but hopefully our wedding will expand others' views.
Maybe Twinkie and I WILL get married in the store window at the Bay :) - it would be air conditioned and there would be room for all the guests!
Will put that to our wedding saviour C.O. for his perusal.
Yours in gay matrimony
Cupcake
Fair enough. But what is equality if it isn't really equal. If straight marriage is celebrated with tradition and gay marriage is celebrated with binoculars and a telephoto lens, what does that mean? Can you be a spectacle and also just yourself, in love and celebration.
The reason this all comes up for me is that there is another person biologically close to me that is also getting married. Doing it traditionally, with both sexes represented. And in my biological pool, there are key people who are reacting really differently to each scenario.
And it really surprises me. I don't know why - maybe because Twinkie and I are just so grateful and happy and can't believe our luck - we can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to come and eat a meal and toast our happiness. Celebrate.
I am working to be okay with that. ALL the people who love us and are friends and family - whether blood family or chosen, support us and want to celebrate, or pretend to :). Yet there are some who claim to support and yet refuse to acknowledge.
Maybe it is different because it means so much to me now, for my second wedding, and there are some close blood relatives who really would prefer not to discuss it. So, in reaction to that, I must say, I get gayer. Yes, gayer - the last time this happened was two days ago. When one of our beautiful supporters lauded us and celebrated us, a close relative poohh-poohed the celebration and said, there are a lot of things happening next year. I felt like I had been slapped, so I got gayer and gave Twinkie a big smooch. In front of a lot of people who could donate a kidney to me. At a dinner table. At someone else's birthday party. And in front of a ton of people who will be going to both weddings next year - ours and the real one.
Twinkie and I are so incredibly blessed with beautiful friends and family and chosen family - when these things happen it just makes you realize and be even more grateful for the world we have fought to live in and the freedom we have to marry - even if the climate in which to marry isn't yet perfect, we are all carving out the traditions.
I used to tell people that if I ever considered marrying again, I would do it in full drag style, with drag queens as bride's maids and just really pull all the stereotypes. So I guess I grew away from that. Such a journey, this wedding year.
Each day and revelation and coming out as an engaged lesbian brings up people's thoughts and views and prejudices and also inexperience for the most part. In fairness, many of the people who are coming to our shindig have never been to a gay wedding, and in our spirit of living openly, we chose to make sure to have as many as we could invite to expand people's ideas of normal - not that Twinkie and I fall into the category of normal :), but hopefully our wedding will expand others' views.
Maybe Twinkie and I WILL get married in the store window at the Bay :) - it would be air conditioned and there would be room for all the guests!
Will put that to our wedding saviour C.O. for his perusal.
Yours in gay matrimony
Cupcake
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Beyond our Control! No change so far!
So, called to confirm the booking at the new location - after we had celebrated last night.
When we spoke with the guy this morning, he told us he was mistaken, that day is NOT available.
So, back to square one. **sigh**
Beautiful location, but our guest list is too big!
What to do ...
Yours in matrimony and confusion
Cupcake
When we spoke with the guy this morning, he told us he was mistaken, that day is NOT available.
So, back to square one. **sigh**
Beautiful location, but our guest list is too big!
What to do ...
Yours in matrimony and confusion
Cupcake
Friday, December 17, 2010
Six Months to Go! Why not change EVERYTHING!
So ... we have six months to go - and have been working this week on getting a dj, organizing catering, etc. etc. - what a scheduling nightmare. Also, our guestlist ... when we met with Joshua Creek, she told us that the venue could seat 80 people somewhat comfortably inside. At the time, we felt we could be heartless about the guestlist. Turns out, we were wrong. We cannot be heartless about the guestlist. We are at 100 people, and suspect we will reach 110. And it turns out, we no longer can fit at the Joshua Creek venue. So, do we cut people, or do we move the wedding. We were really looking forward to both a dance and also a singalong by the firepit. Which we will have to forego, sadly. But there can still be singing.
So, Twinkie and I ... calmly and rationally (???) discussed the matter of the guestlist and what was to be done. After everyone had time on the naughty chair and then came back to the room, we then decided to research alternatives. And we found one. We called and talked to him and followed him on the QEW to the new potential venue. I'm sure he was listening to music or news in his car. In our car, I was listening to an endless stream of profanity commenting on the potential venue and how much fun we were having. Etc. We arrived safely, and Twinkie informed me that she would politely check out the venue, but she would NEVER have a reception there.
Turns out, she would. It was a great venue, completely different from the other place and way too fancy for us. But reasonably priced, and the best thing is - they will take care of almost everything. And the food looks great and they'll make it nut-free too. PLUS we can have an open bar. For 8 hours. And he said they even make caesars. AND shuttle us back to the hotel across the highway. And by us, I mean anyone who is staying there - and I assume, once people hear about the open bar, there will be lots of sleepovers planned.
Here is a link to the venue so you can see how gorgeous it is:
http://tours.ilookabout.com/tourserver.dll?ID=C500A18B3BAF5BEE&SceneNum=3&ViewWidth=600&ViewHeight=400&ProfileID=BCC&Quality=MED&ImageSize=LARGE&Format=JAVA3&Lang=EN
and here is the hotel across the hotel:
http://homewoodsuites1.hilton.com/en_US/hw/hotel/ONTBUHW-Homewood-Suites-by-Hilton-Burlington-Ontario/accommodations.do
Who knew - lets hope we can book it and all goes well!
Yours in matrimony!
Cupcake
So, Twinkie and I ... calmly and rationally (???) discussed the matter of the guestlist and what was to be done. After everyone had time on the naughty chair and then came back to the room, we then decided to research alternatives. And we found one. We called and talked to him and followed him on the QEW to the new potential venue. I'm sure he was listening to music or news in his car. In our car, I was listening to an endless stream of profanity commenting on the potential venue and how much fun we were having. Etc. We arrived safely, and Twinkie informed me that she would politely check out the venue, but she would NEVER have a reception there.
Turns out, she would. It was a great venue, completely different from the other place and way too fancy for us. But reasonably priced, and the best thing is - they will take care of almost everything. And the food looks great and they'll make it nut-free too. PLUS we can have an open bar. For 8 hours. And he said they even make caesars. AND shuttle us back to the hotel across the highway. And by us, I mean anyone who is staying there - and I assume, once people hear about the open bar, there will be lots of sleepovers planned.
Here is a link to the venue so you can see how gorgeous it is:
http://tours.ilookabout.com/tourserver.dll?ID=C500A18B3BAF5BEE&SceneNum=3&ViewWidth=600&ViewHeight=400&ProfileID=BCC&Quality=MED&ImageSize=LARGE&Format=JAVA3&Lang=EN
and here is the hotel across the hotel:
http://homewoodsuites1.hilton.com/en_US/hw/hotel/ONTBUHW-Homewood-Suites-by-Hilton-Burlington-Ontario/accommodations.do
Who knew - lets hope we can book it and all goes well!
Yours in matrimony!
Cupcake
Monday, December 13, 2010
Martha Stewart's Scorecard
According to the online Martha Stewart wedding checklist scorecard, we have completed 6 out of 118 tasks, and have 27 overdue tasks.
Of course we do.
6 months, 5 days to go
or 187 days
or 4,488 hours!
yikes.
Yours in matrimonial planning
Cupcake
Of course we do.
6 months, 5 days to go
or 187 days
or 4,488 hours!
yikes.
Yours in matrimonial planning
Cupcake
Friday, December 3, 2010
Glad No Matter What - Sark's new book
Glad No Matter What - Sark's new book
Have been reading Sark's (http://www.planetsark.com/) new book tonight, about navigating the feelings around losses in your life. I think every gift or change is both a loss and a gift. Have been thinking about this because of losing my job and how that loss has felt, and other losses this year.
Before Twinkie, I retreated a lot. From life, from events, from people. Lived alone when Creampuff was at school. Kept my schedule pretty open. Took my time, took time to myself. Which was very different than the way I had lived in my previous house. Our lives were filled with friends and parties and art and music and dinners and laughter and meals. Filled. Then we moved and it took a while to start filling my life with laughter and love again. Until Twinkie opened my life up like a Volcano, Tornado, Hurricane of love and joy and laughter and life and openness!
Twinkie and I are 18 years apart in age. Some people wonder about how that works and what we see in each other. When M.W. saw us together, he thought we were sisters. Probably a lie to save my vanity, but sweet.
There are people - monumental people in your life who change it in ways that are pivotal. T.S. was the first person who really believed in me and I loved him tremendously and still do and I cherish him and his input in my life. T.W. was also one of the greatest loves of my life, and his support and impact on my life is so great that he and I wear matching rings. Met F.P. in 1991 and that changed my life and we still meet and laugh and heal. T.P. is a great love of both mine and Creampuff's life and we have loved him for a long time and love his support. D.F. has been an ally and supportive and loving and family in all of my lives. B.W. is a new friend and wonderful. All of these beautiful men believed in me, believed in my writing and my art, more than I had ever believed in myself. All of these men shared great laughter, wit, music, art, poetry and sometimes dance clubs with me, and we had and have great joy together.
But I hadn't experienced that joy in my home life.
When I met Twinkie, in September, 2008, at choir, I was either on a break or coming off a break with a woman I had been dating. Twinkie was a lot of fun and soon I saw lots of people that I knew befriending her on facebook. I was intrigued. I didn't have any interest in her romantically - just wouldn't have considered it - because of the age difference. Was also fairly caught up in my own dating and when I got to know her a bit, she had a partner.
In December, I think, I made some overture by kicking her chair and making a joke of it. Soon after that we became facebook friends. I watched her with admiration as she and S.C. became good friends and I secretly giggled at their animated conversations. In the winter, we had a few conversations - I was trying to encourage her to carefully consider her life decisions and to know she had choices. In March she sent me an email letting me know that she thought I looked nice that night at choir. I was struck by that. We spoke more.
In April of that year, I went on a retreat - kind of an Outward Bound thing. We had to climb a telephone pole and walk across a wire 40 feet in the air, hanging forward at a 45 degree angle. Taking that plunge and risking wholeheartedly that either the people holding the ropes will keep you safe, or you will plunge and committing body, mind and soul to walking across that wire, fully present, was really pivotal for me. I thought afterwards, if I could shift and be present and unafraid in a pretty scary and unusual situation - could I maybe risk other things?
That spring, Twinkie and I grew closer. Determined to be just friends, we still spent hours and hours talking and laughing. Building a foundation. In June of that year, at our concert, Twinkie hugged me, and I felt her arms around me for weeks afterwards. Magical, mystical, Sweet, Terrifying. In a few weeks, the world shook us like dice in a cup and both of our worlds were turned upside down. But we still had each other.
By August of that year, we were living together. Not something either of us had done so quickly before, and not something either of us wanted to avoid, we chose to rush into things, wholly. Took a long time for people to get used to us - everything was so fast. But we never looked back. It is late and I couldn't do the rest of the progression justice, but suffice it to say, that had I not found my courage walking across that wire, I might not have had the open heart and courage to embrace what felt like it would be such an incredible love.
And it has been. My life, which had been telescoping into my daughter, my dog, my job, my family, my house, chores, friends, exploded when Twinkie and I fell in love. I came alive again and found out what it meant to truly create a union with another soul in love and joy. We agreed when we got together to be truthful and honourable and that is the greatest gift and so painful, but so worth it. Our lives expanded and we have wonderful friends and chosen family and laughter and joy and sorrow and support. And we both have someone who loves us completely.
What I get from Twinkie is such a miracle to me. She is an incredible woman who has triumphed over all of the challenges in her life, to become who she is today. She taught me how to open my life up again to possibilities. She taught me to say yes. She asked me why. And why not. And what for. She taught me how to really, heartily, belly laugh out the pain and sadness and we practice this daily. She reminded me to value myself, reminded me who I am, how I am in the world. She has taught me integrity - she will lie to no one and she will lie for no one. She will not lie for me. Unpleasant when I am cooking. But I am so grateful for her.
Twinkie has taught me how to open up my scarred heart and trust and love wholly, and has returned my love and trust and heart, wholly. I have waited my whole life for a partner like this - someone I wake up with every day in gratitude. I am so proud of the life we have created - so proud of how we have supported Creampuff together and each of us alone, how she calls us her parents. So proud of our community, our friends, our family, our chosen family. Personally, I am so proud and grateful to experience this much resonating love. I am surrounded.
Which is why, I think, that I haven't "taken to my bed" after this career blow. I'm not unaffected, at all. I'm definitely affected, but I'm also okay. It is sad, heart-wrenching, painful, disturbing, terrifying, but so far, I'm okay. I haven't retreated, didn't go catatonic. Didn't start smoking again. And I think that is because of the way I now live - present in my full life, not just present in myself. And because of the unbelievable gift of being loved and enjoyed, wholly and unconditionally. By Twinkie, by Creampuff, by my friends, by my family, by my chosen family.
Not entirely sure how this new career path will progress, but I'm staying awake and alive in it. And I'm remembering, laughingly, with Twinkie, daily that I do not have a job. I'm remembering to be exactly where I am - and remarkably my dark circles under my eyes are forgetting where they used to be.
Glad no matter what. Beautiful aspiration. Not entirely there yet. But I'm glad I didn't retreat, glad I didn't give up joy because of a career blow.
Yours in Unemployment
Cupcake 11/28/10 by Cupcake Delete
Have been reading Sark's (http://www.planetsark.com/) new book tonight, about navigating the feelings around losses in your life. I think every gift or change is both a loss and a gift. Have been thinking about this because of losing my job and how that loss has felt, and other losses this year.
Before Twinkie, I retreated a lot. From life, from events, from people. Lived alone when Creampuff was at school. Kept my schedule pretty open. Took my time, took time to myself. Which was very different than the way I had lived in my previous house. Our lives were filled with friends and parties and art and music and dinners and laughter and meals. Filled. Then we moved and it took a while to start filling my life with laughter and love again. Until Twinkie opened my life up like a Volcano, Tornado, Hurricane of love and joy and laughter and life and openness!
Twinkie and I are 18 years apart in age. Some people wonder about how that works and what we see in each other. When M.W. saw us together, he thought we were sisters. Probably a lie to save my vanity, but sweet.
There are people - monumental people in your life who change it in ways that are pivotal. T.S. was the first person who really believed in me and I loved him tremendously and still do and I cherish him and his input in my life. T.W. was also one of the greatest loves of my life, and his support and impact on my life is so great that he and I wear matching rings. Met F.P. in 1991 and that changed my life and we still meet and laugh and heal. T.P. is a great love of both mine and Creampuff's life and we have loved him for a long time and love his support. D.F. has been an ally and supportive and loving and family in all of my lives. B.W. is a new friend and wonderful. All of these beautiful men believed in me, believed in my writing and my art, more than I had ever believed in myself. All of these men shared great laughter, wit, music, art, poetry and sometimes dance clubs with me, and we had and have great joy together.
But I hadn't experienced that joy in my home life.
When I met Twinkie, in September, 2008, at choir, I was either on a break or coming off a break with a woman I had been dating. Twinkie was a lot of fun and soon I saw lots of people that I knew befriending her on facebook. I was intrigued. I didn't have any interest in her romantically - just wouldn't have considered it - because of the age difference. Was also fairly caught up in my own dating and when I got to know her a bit, she had a partner.
In December, I think, I made some overture by kicking her chair and making a joke of it. Soon after that we became facebook friends. I watched her with admiration as she and S.C. became good friends and I secretly giggled at their animated conversations. In the winter, we had a few conversations - I was trying to encourage her to carefully consider her life decisions and to know she had choices. In March she sent me an email letting me know that she thought I looked nice that night at choir. I was struck by that. We spoke more.
In April of that year, I went on a retreat - kind of an Outward Bound thing. We had to climb a telephone pole and walk across a wire 40 feet in the air, hanging forward at a 45 degree angle. Taking that plunge and risking wholeheartedly that either the people holding the ropes will keep you safe, or you will plunge and committing body, mind and soul to walking across that wire, fully present, was really pivotal for me. I thought afterwards, if I could shift and be present and unafraid in a pretty scary and unusual situation - could I maybe risk other things?
That spring, Twinkie and I grew closer. Determined to be just friends, we still spent hours and hours talking and laughing. Building a foundation. In June of that year, at our concert, Twinkie hugged me, and I felt her arms around me for weeks afterwards. Magical, mystical, Sweet, Terrifying. In a few weeks, the world shook us like dice in a cup and both of our worlds were turned upside down. But we still had each other.
By August of that year, we were living together. Not something either of us had done so quickly before, and not something either of us wanted to avoid, we chose to rush into things, wholly. Took a long time for people to get used to us - everything was so fast. But we never looked back. It is late and I couldn't do the rest of the progression justice, but suffice it to say, that had I not found my courage walking across that wire, I might not have had the open heart and courage to embrace what felt like it would be such an incredible love.
And it has been. My life, which had been telescoping into my daughter, my dog, my job, my family, my house, chores, friends, exploded when Twinkie and I fell in love. I came alive again and found out what it meant to truly create a union with another soul in love and joy. We agreed when we got together to be truthful and honourable and that is the greatest gift and so painful, but so worth it. Our lives expanded and we have wonderful friends and chosen family and laughter and joy and sorrow and support. And we both have someone who loves us completely.
What I get from Twinkie is such a miracle to me. She is an incredible woman who has triumphed over all of the challenges in her life, to become who she is today. She taught me how to open my life up again to possibilities. She taught me to say yes. She asked me why. And why not. And what for. She taught me how to really, heartily, belly laugh out the pain and sadness and we practice this daily. She reminded me to value myself, reminded me who I am, how I am in the world. She has taught me integrity - she will lie to no one and she will lie for no one. She will not lie for me. Unpleasant when I am cooking. But I am so grateful for her.
Twinkie has taught me how to open up my scarred heart and trust and love wholly, and has returned my love and trust and heart, wholly. I have waited my whole life for a partner like this - someone I wake up with every day in gratitude. I am so proud of the life we have created - so proud of how we have supported Creampuff together and each of us alone, how she calls us her parents. So proud of our community, our friends, our family, our chosen family. Personally, I am so proud and grateful to experience this much resonating love. I am surrounded.
Which is why, I think, that I haven't "taken to my bed" after this career blow. I'm not unaffected, at all. I'm definitely affected, but I'm also okay. It is sad, heart-wrenching, painful, disturbing, terrifying, but so far, I'm okay. I haven't retreated, didn't go catatonic. Didn't start smoking again. And I think that is because of the way I now live - present in my full life, not just present in myself. And because of the unbelievable gift of being loved and enjoyed, wholly and unconditionally. By Twinkie, by Creampuff, by my friends, by my family, by my chosen family.
Not entirely sure how this new career path will progress, but I'm staying awake and alive in it. And I'm remembering, laughingly, with Twinkie, daily that I do not have a job. I'm remembering to be exactly where I am - and remarkably my dark circles under my eyes are forgetting where they used to be.
Glad no matter what. Beautiful aspiration. Not entirely there yet. But I'm glad I didn't retreat, glad I didn't give up joy because of a career blow.
Yours in Unemployment
Cupcake 11/28/10 by Cupcake Delete
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