"There have been some changes"
These are not the words you want to hear when dealing with tumours. Last year, at a routine eye check, a tumour was found in my eye. After a crazy series of eye exams and photographs, we ended up at the Herzig Eye Clinic with a Retinal Surgeon, waiting to find out if I was going to lose my eye and have to wear a patch at our wedding.
That was last year. Then we heard the comforting words that it didn't look like cancer, but they'd have to follow it annually. Relief. Relief. Until today, when we were in the room with the technician who was taking high resolution photos of my dilated eye, and he said the dreaded words "There have been some changes".
This week, we got the news that an acquaintance had died. She was 44, and we had met her a few times with one of our good friends in Newfoundland. I am always astonished when people die young - somehow I think of it mathematically - 22 was her midpoint in life. Two weeks ago were the last two weeks of her life, and then that was it. Morbid, maybe, but also so perplexing, and surprising.
As many of you know, our lives over the past few months have been full of surprises and challenges. As have all of our lives. Things are constantly changing.
Maybe I'm too much of a herding dog. I like to check on my people - passively and actively - I like to know that all is well with us all. And when we lose one of us, it is terrifying, it is close, and it is real. Life is short and sweet and so precious.
As soon as we heard the words "There have been some changes", the two of us went to different places in our minds. We had to leave that room and wait 45 minutes to see the Retinal Surgeon in a big waiting room. I waited to hear if Twinkie had heard the same thing. She had, and we both were shaking. We had been told previously that certain "changes" meant cancer, and that means very quick removal of my eye. And I'm kind of attached to my eyes.
I said to Twinkie - if I'm losing my eye, we are going to Newfoundland before it happens, so that I can fill up on sights. Twinkie was very quiet, but was frantically rubbing my back. We sat together quietly.
We both wished we had benefits, and thought that we need to make that a priority. We thought about life and the house - all the things that need to get done. We thought about life insurance and was it enough. We quietly cried a little.
My name was called - it always takes us a minute to realize it is my name because I took the name of my first husband on my health card, not the name of my first wife. So the name is foreign and hard to own. We went into the room. The pictures of the tumour were on the computer screen. Both of us became immediate experts and looked at the thing knowingly. There it is, with all of the changes.
The doctor came in, said hello and sat down. He looked at the photos and said - this can't be right. He made a phone call to the technician and said to him - "Are these the right images? Do you have the right measurements? Are you sure?" We sat staring at each other, soundless, our future changing as we waited.
When he got off the phone, he turned to face us. "Sorry" he said "There have been some changes". "Your tumour looks different than it did last year. It looks a bit smaller. These things don't get smaller, so either we made a mistake last year or our equipment is just better". You could feel the tension lift. Then he said "No change in colour, no fluid, so we are good to leave it for another year, make an appointment at the front desk."
Our surprise was that things remained the same. This time we were the lucky ones. We left the office knowing how lucky we are. Got to the car and read the obituary of our 44 year old friend. None of it makes sense. Why are we so lucky and she was not. I'm not proud to say that I am happy for this good fortune, but I'm also ... guilty and sad. I am so sorry that anyone would be taken so early. And there is nowhere to put that.
It is unfair, it is unjust and it is the reality of this roulette wheel we are all so lucky to ride. We stopped off at the library on the way home. We got dvd's that will make us laugh, we got books of places that we want to visit, and places we want to visit again. We got walking and hiking route books and books about challenges and things past and present. Books about living and life. Books that point us in the right direction. Because today we heard "There have been some changes" and this time we were lucky and they were changes for the better. And for us, and for our loved ones and our lives still to be lived and those who left too soon, we are deeply, lovingly grateful.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Di - Ver - Si - Ty
December has arrived with it's divine mix of cold and flu season with insane party season, mixed in with Christmas lights, Carols and our Holiday Concert. Plus Guilt and faux pas. Deck the Halls with it all. Our first Christmas as a married couple.
Our season started early in November with a surprise birthday party in Toronto. In attendance were a lot of people who knew me but had not met Twinkie yet. So I tried to keep remembering to introduce her. I sometimes fail at this. I have been practicing saying to people "I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Twinkie". This statement in itself is political, because my wife doesn't look like a traditional wife, nor does the word wife look like her, nor does she look like a traditional woman, nor does the name Twinkie fit her completely anymore. But we are so proud to claim our union and these are the words that make it make sense. I now pronounce you ... ??? What are two married women or two married men? Wives? Husbands? Spouses sounds too legal and clinical. There are no words for us except married.
One gentleman from the prairies had a startled look on his face after I introduced him to Twinkie. Twinkie told me that she thought he looked like he was incredibly shocked. Turns out she was right - later on, the prairie gentleman admitted that he was absolutely shocked that I had a wife. Who knew. I was oblivious to the level of the shock, and I am grateful for that. I'm also glad that he now has us in his sphere of normal - or normalish.
Throughout the fall, we have been brainstorming names that are more representative of Twinkie's gender. The name needs to be androgynous, and loved by Twinkie. After viewing the Gender Failure show in St. Catharines and watching performers Ivan Coyote and Rae Spoon, Twinkie really identified with the writing and performing, so she purchased Rae's book (Ivan had sold out of books). When Twinkie asked Rae to sign it - Twinkie said - it is for Twinkie and used her girly birth name. Rae repeated Twinkie's girly birth name and Twinkie realized again that her inside persona and outside persona and her name do not reflect each other. It is time for a change.
We have been workshopping names and trying them on to see what fits. Many names remind us of other people, so they don't work. But with our friends, we have narrowed it down to about 5 finalists. Twinkie wants to have made a decision by the New Year. I suppose I will have to change the name Twinkie as well to something more androgynous. Mars, JosLouis, Loaf, Banana Bread, Square, Bar ... nothing even comes close. Possibly Prince - just like how Michael Jackson named his children Prince.
Last week, Twinkie went to visit her neices. The eldest was in her school Holiday concert. Twinkie loved every adorable, squeaking, forgetful, loud, moment in the concert. She might even say that while she did plug her ears for part of the band performance, it, too was delightful. Instead of "Five Golden Rings" the kids sang "Di - Ver - Si - Ty". Amazing. But for Twinkie, the most delightful moment was when her three year old niece sat on her lap, brushed her hair back, gave her a tiara and said "Now, you are a handsome prince".
And so she is, and so it is.
Yours in Holiday and Everyday "Di - Ver - Si - Ty".
Our season started early in November with a surprise birthday party in Toronto. In attendance were a lot of people who knew me but had not met Twinkie yet. So I tried to keep remembering to introduce her. I sometimes fail at this. I have been practicing saying to people "I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Twinkie". This statement in itself is political, because my wife doesn't look like a traditional wife, nor does the word wife look like her, nor does she look like a traditional woman, nor does the name Twinkie fit her completely anymore. But we are so proud to claim our union and these are the words that make it make sense. I now pronounce you ... ??? What are two married women or two married men? Wives? Husbands? Spouses sounds too legal and clinical. There are no words for us except married.
One gentleman from the prairies had a startled look on his face after I introduced him to Twinkie. Twinkie told me that she thought he looked like he was incredibly shocked. Turns out she was right - later on, the prairie gentleman admitted that he was absolutely shocked that I had a wife. Who knew. I was oblivious to the level of the shock, and I am grateful for that. I'm also glad that he now has us in his sphere of normal - or normalish.
Throughout the fall, we have been brainstorming names that are more representative of Twinkie's gender. The name needs to be androgynous, and loved by Twinkie. After viewing the Gender Failure show in St. Catharines and watching performers Ivan Coyote and Rae Spoon, Twinkie really identified with the writing and performing, so she purchased Rae's book (Ivan had sold out of books). When Twinkie asked Rae to sign it - Twinkie said - it is for Twinkie and used her girly birth name. Rae repeated Twinkie's girly birth name and Twinkie realized again that her inside persona and outside persona and her name do not reflect each other. It is time for a change.
We have been workshopping names and trying them on to see what fits. Many names remind us of other people, so they don't work. But with our friends, we have narrowed it down to about 5 finalists. Twinkie wants to have made a decision by the New Year. I suppose I will have to change the name Twinkie as well to something more androgynous. Mars, JosLouis, Loaf, Banana Bread, Square, Bar ... nothing even comes close. Possibly Prince - just like how Michael Jackson named his children Prince.
Last week, Twinkie went to visit her neices. The eldest was in her school Holiday concert. Twinkie loved every adorable, squeaking, forgetful, loud, moment in the concert. She might even say that while she did plug her ears for part of the band performance, it, too was delightful. Instead of "Five Golden Rings" the kids sang "Di - Ver - Si - Ty". Amazing. But for Twinkie, the most delightful moment was when her three year old niece sat on her lap, brushed her hair back, gave her a tiara and said "Now, you are a handsome prince".
And so she is, and so it is.
Yours in Holiday and Everyday "Di - Ver - Si - Ty".
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thank you notes!
Emily Post be damned, we are almost finished our Thank You notes. We haven't yet picked up our loot from the Registry, nor have we decorated our house with the presents that we received. We had hoped to be in our own house near water and sea glass when we unpacked all of that. Although that is coming soon, it is not here yet.
Only one person voiced their anger because they didn't think they would get a thank-you from us. If any more of you were angry, thank you for not voicing it. I'm sure the woman who brought me into the world might be feeling some feelings, because it is her two thank-you notes about which I am procrastinating the most.
I have to just bite the bullet and send them - or maybe write them first. It isn't that I am not thankful, because I am really very grateful and thankful for her. It is just that - it is so hard to fit so much gratitude into such a little note.
Since I started this post, we have realized that we owe not one, but about 4 thank-you notes - so we need to get writing.
Thank you Emily Post for the extension - although one friend said that not only did we have a year to write the notes, we also should have included the group photo in the thank you notes. Sorry about that. We do plan to have a party with all the people involved in the wedding in the near future. After the thank you notes are done.
Thank you all. Let us know if you still need a thank you note :).
Only one person voiced their anger because they didn't think they would get a thank-you from us. If any more of you were angry, thank you for not voicing it. I'm sure the woman who brought me into the world might be feeling some feelings, because it is her two thank-you notes about which I am procrastinating the most.
I have to just bite the bullet and send them - or maybe write them first. It isn't that I am not thankful, because I am really very grateful and thankful for her. It is just that - it is so hard to fit so much gratitude into such a little note.
Since I started this post, we have realized that we owe not one, but about 4 thank-you notes - so we need to get writing.
Thank you Emily Post for the extension - although one friend said that not only did we have a year to write the notes, we also should have included the group photo in the thank you notes. Sorry about that. We do plan to have a party with all the people involved in the wedding in the near future. After the thank you notes are done.
Thank you all. Let us know if you still need a thank you note :).
Thursday, July 5, 2012
And so it was ... and it was beautiful ....
And so, it happened! Two months ago, and without pew bows, the twigs for which are still sitting in our front hallway.
It happened wonderfully and beautifully and romantically. We couldn't have had things go better. People were sweet and kind and loving and giving. Family was fabulous and sweet and wonderful. The kids were fantastic - and even though we wanted to pull Johnny off the church pedestal, on which he was planking, even that was memorable. Possibly sacrilegious, but memorable. Neither Twinkie nor I were able to talk to everyone present, but we did talk to some people. The food was really, really good. Surprisingly good.
At the last minute our room was moved to the bigger room at Fantasy Farm. The room had floor to ceiling windows along one wall that faced out into the forest (and a bit of the parking lot ;)). All 60 of the little candles in mason jars, surrounded by coffee beans, were used in the room, and lit at sundown.
For me, having the bridal party and parents dance out to "Born This Way" was incredibly impactful and important, and between than and the beautiful ceremony, and really everything else, made us wish we really had had a videographer.
Our MC was amazing, and sang beautifully at the end of the evening. Our ushers were classy and marvellous. One usher also sang beautifully at the end of the evening.The readers read exquisitely! All five of the kids in the ceremony were gorgeous and sweet and we were touched that they were there, and also touched that they all signed the "Certificate" of Marriage (non-legal) that we will frame. No problem that some of them signed on top of someone else's signature, they all signed.
All of the bride's maids and other bride's maids and man did an amazing job. It was amazing to have my daughter at my side and to have a meaningful ceremony with my daughter's father and his partner. I know Twinkie feels blessed and honoured to have had her dear friends at her side.
The speeches were exquisite and well-received. The video from the Good Lovelies was incredibly lovely and such a treat. Both of Twinkie's attendees gave great speeches, Creampuff gave a lovely speech. The Palindrome gave a lovely speech - fondly remembering something that hadn't ever occurred, lovely.
And then we flooded the dancefloor - gay and straight, young and old, and we danced!
The day was magical. The limos were magical, even if (apologies) some people had to crawl in them on their hands and feet.
Family members who don't get together often, got together. The menfolk were sweet and loving and fully made up for both of our fathers, who for various reasons did not attend. People flew in and drove in from all corners of the earth to be present with us on our big day.
For me, it was amazing to have my dearest friends in the world, at my side, and in the same room. And it was beyond amazing to have Tiger walk me down the aisle - a trip many years ago that we had considered taking together.
And it was a big day. A really big, long day of ceremony and celebration. And the pictures are beautiful - a snapshot of how it all was - May 5, 2012.
And then it was over. Abruptly. At the end of the night, with much help and very sore feet, the candles were extinguished and the overhead lights went on. Romance and magic evaporating into the cool night. We dismantled the room, packed away things and then all piled into taxis back to the hotel.
In the following weeks, life and its happenings began their circular rhythms. Couples split, jobs were lost, jobs were gained, people moved across the country, people got sick, people moved. Nothing is how it was on that day two months ago. So very much has changed.
And the wedding itself was just a day - when all is said and done and paid for, it was just a day. It was an exquisite day, but the high and glory of that day did not in any way prepare us better for our first post-nuptial argument - when the stakes were so much greater, heavier and more serious than before. When the thought of losing each other actually entered into our minds and frightened both of us down to our cores.
We brought six or seven of the hens and chicks plants back home and had the good sense to plant them in the garden. Two weeks later, we found that despite the bad soil, lack of watering and attention, the hens and chicks had taken root. That fact really centered me. Even my bouquet, hanging upside down in our house, has taken root and somehow gleaned enough moisture from our house air, to grow and continue to flower.
I have a spider plant that my 22 year old daughter gave me when she was 2. It has been split and replanted so many times I can't remember. There have been times that it has died and I've had to start with one or two cuttings to bring it back to good health, and times that it has been burned by frost or sun. But it still grows, and every spring it goes outside to spend the summer in sun.
And back to gardening. Usually back to gardening.
The wedding was much more beautiful than we could have planned and the weekend and day were exquisite. People surprised and delighted us, and were so incredibly helpful - Heather's family and my family were both unbelievably helpful! It was amazing.
And we are married. And we are happily married. And trying each day to keep some of the glory and magic of that coffee candlelit night in our hearts as we muddle through the maze of life.
Yours in love and matrimony,
Cupcake and Twinkie
It happened wonderfully and beautifully and romantically. We couldn't have had things go better. People were sweet and kind and loving and giving. Family was fabulous and sweet and wonderful. The kids were fantastic - and even though we wanted to pull Johnny off the church pedestal, on which he was planking, even that was memorable. Possibly sacrilegious, but memorable. Neither Twinkie nor I were able to talk to everyone present, but we did talk to some people. The food was really, really good. Surprisingly good.
At the last minute our room was moved to the bigger room at Fantasy Farm. The room had floor to ceiling windows along one wall that faced out into the forest (and a bit of the parking lot ;)). All 60 of the little candles in mason jars, surrounded by coffee beans, were used in the room, and lit at sundown.
For me, having the bridal party and parents dance out to "Born This Way" was incredibly impactful and important, and between than and the beautiful ceremony, and really everything else, made us wish we really had had a videographer.
Our MC was amazing, and sang beautifully at the end of the evening. Our ushers were classy and marvellous. One usher also sang beautifully at the end of the evening.The readers read exquisitely! All five of the kids in the ceremony were gorgeous and sweet and we were touched that they were there, and also touched that they all signed the "Certificate" of Marriage (non-legal) that we will frame. No problem that some of them signed on top of someone else's signature, they all signed.
All of the bride's maids and other bride's maids and man did an amazing job. It was amazing to have my daughter at my side and to have a meaningful ceremony with my daughter's father and his partner. I know Twinkie feels blessed and honoured to have had her dear friends at her side.
The speeches were exquisite and well-received. The video from the Good Lovelies was incredibly lovely and such a treat. Both of Twinkie's attendees gave great speeches, Creampuff gave a lovely speech. The Palindrome gave a lovely speech - fondly remembering something that hadn't ever occurred, lovely.
And then we flooded the dancefloor - gay and straight, young and old, and we danced!
The day was magical. The limos were magical, even if (apologies) some people had to crawl in them on their hands and feet.
Family members who don't get together often, got together. The menfolk were sweet and loving and fully made up for both of our fathers, who for various reasons did not attend. People flew in and drove in from all corners of the earth to be present with us on our big day.
For me, it was amazing to have my dearest friends in the world, at my side, and in the same room. And it was beyond amazing to have Tiger walk me down the aisle - a trip many years ago that we had considered taking together.
And it was a big day. A really big, long day of ceremony and celebration. And the pictures are beautiful - a snapshot of how it all was - May 5, 2012.
And then it was over. Abruptly. At the end of the night, with much help and very sore feet, the candles were extinguished and the overhead lights went on. Romance and magic evaporating into the cool night. We dismantled the room, packed away things and then all piled into taxis back to the hotel.
In the following weeks, life and its happenings began their circular rhythms. Couples split, jobs were lost, jobs were gained, people moved across the country, people got sick, people moved. Nothing is how it was on that day two months ago. So very much has changed.
And the wedding itself was just a day - when all is said and done and paid for, it was just a day. It was an exquisite day, but the high and glory of that day did not in any way prepare us better for our first post-nuptial argument - when the stakes were so much greater, heavier and more serious than before. When the thought of losing each other actually entered into our minds and frightened both of us down to our cores.
We brought six or seven of the hens and chicks plants back home and had the good sense to plant them in the garden. Two weeks later, we found that despite the bad soil, lack of watering and attention, the hens and chicks had taken root. That fact really centered me. Even my bouquet, hanging upside down in our house, has taken root and somehow gleaned enough moisture from our house air, to grow and continue to flower.
I have a spider plant that my 22 year old daughter gave me when she was 2. It has been split and replanted so many times I can't remember. There have been times that it has died and I've had to start with one or two cuttings to bring it back to good health, and times that it has been burned by frost or sun. But it still grows, and every spring it goes outside to spend the summer in sun.
And back to gardening. Usually back to gardening.
The wedding was much more beautiful than we could have planned and the weekend and day were exquisite. People surprised and delighted us, and were so incredibly helpful - Heather's family and my family were both unbelievably helpful! It was amazing.
And we are married. And we are happily married. And trying each day to keep some of the glory and magic of that coffee candlelit night in our hearts as we muddle through the maze of life.
Yours in love and matrimony,
Cupcake and Twinkie
Monday, April 30, 2012
Back to Blonde
With 6 days to go, we both decided to go back to Blonde.
'nuff said.
Yours in matrimonial excitement
Cupcake
'nuff said.
Yours in matrimonial excitement
Cupcake
Saturday, April 21, 2012
flower girl dress stress
So, every night for weeks we've been doing something or other and we are pooped! On Wednesday while visiting a friend, she draped us in blankets and gave us little nap time. I am not generally a napper, but yes please.
Taking this into account, the logical thing do on a Friday after a very full week and workday was to drive across the GTA in cottage rush hour traffic to shop at "Adorable Kids" for flower girl dresses at a store that closes at 6 pm. It was not like a nap. It was like a war. It was not adorable.
By the end of the day, we had two beautiful flower girl dresses. Unfortunately during a particularly heated part of the drive the engagement rings were tossed off and the wedding cancelled.
But that was a argument and we take it all in stride! We are taking a page out of the book of our plucky flower girls.
Don't they look happy in their new dresses?
Yours in sleep
Cupcake
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Polygamy
Turns out you can just be married to one person at a time, and the government wants to be sure of that. Much to our surprise, it turns out that the government authorities require some proof of our respective divorces. Turns out they say they need it for their "records".
I asked my dear friend TS to help out and try to get my documents from the courthouse - his office does this sort of thing. He replied back that although they had tried - since my divorce was almost 20 years ago, they didn't have that sort of thing on file, in fact, they had no record of my existence. I found that insulting of the courts.
And that response made me hightail it to ratland - aka the garage - to find a box that might have copies of something like this. Twinkie assured me that she knew the box it might be in - she had captured it in her memory bank from our marathon garage cleaning session. Turns out she was right and VOILA I have a photocopy of my Divorce Judgment complete with Court File number. Of course this isn't sufficient - we have to get the court to certify it! And who knows how long that will take.
However, despite my arctic blondness, they will now be convinced that my divorce exists. How comforting.
Since our plan at the big shindig is to have all in the wedding party, kids and all, sign the marriage license, finding the divorce stuff is comforting.
Twinkie is still looking for hers - but since she was married in this century, it shouldn't be hard for her.
And the clock ticks on - for one reason or another we've been out every night for weeks. A dear friend last night told us that it might be an idea to rest up and stay home a bit so that we can have time and space to be excited about the big day.
True words.
Yours in non-polygamy and pre-wedding bliss and exhaustion
Cupcake
I asked my dear friend TS to help out and try to get my documents from the courthouse - his office does this sort of thing. He replied back that although they had tried - since my divorce was almost 20 years ago, they didn't have that sort of thing on file, in fact, they had no record of my existence. I found that insulting of the courts.
And that response made me hightail it to ratland - aka the garage - to find a box that might have copies of something like this. Twinkie assured me that she knew the box it might be in - she had captured it in her memory bank from our marathon garage cleaning session. Turns out she was right and VOILA I have a photocopy of my Divorce Judgment complete with Court File number. Of course this isn't sufficient - we have to get the court to certify it! And who knows how long that will take.
However, despite my arctic blondness, they will now be convinced that my divorce exists. How comforting.
Since our plan at the big shindig is to have all in the wedding party, kids and all, sign the marriage license, finding the divorce stuff is comforting.
Twinkie is still looking for hers - but since she was married in this century, it shouldn't be hard for her.
And the clock ticks on - for one reason or another we've been out every night for weeks. A dear friend last night told us that it might be an idea to rest up and stay home a bit so that we can have time and space to be excited about the big day.
True words.
Yours in non-polygamy and pre-wedding bliss and exhaustion
Cupcake
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